Triggered
Something happened the other day that initiated uncomfortable physiological and psychological responses in me, followed by a patterned set of behaviors, and/or challenging feelings. In other words, I got triggered.
It's not really important what the event was, or that it was in the present day, because my system traveled back in time to my childhood when my father expected me to know, or my mom scared me, or my family required what it required so I could live… and it called up the feelings and responses of that time, willy nilly.
The problem with being triggered is that I don't always know when it's happening; my system just reacts, which is hard, and means I have to untangle and decipher it…
“Something happened the other day that initiated uncomfortable physiological and psychological responses in me, followed by a patterned set of behaviors, and/or challenging feelings.”
After the cloudy nothingness in my head when all my thoughts completely disperse, like a dandelion clock, as I struggle to perform, do the right thing, come up with the answer I think the other person is looking for.
After the vigilant taking of action, because someone has asked something of me, so, of course, I must do it. Ugh.
After the irrational, motivation-stealing self-criticism, resulting from the fact that I don't already know how to do whatever it is.
After the mental anxiety and the physical overwhelm and fatigue.
After the press of unwelcome tears.
This happened without my knowledge, and now it's happening with, and it's almost worse, and kind of gross. But, I now have more aptitude to ask for help, to sort it out, to make changes.
It feels like the element that really made the difference, though, was having someone else involved in the process.
My SPRe Practitioner attuned to me in that moment, noticed what was happening, and helped me navigate the entire process. Better yet, she said there was no reason I had to feel that pain and fear again. So soothing!
Next time - and there will be a next time - my system may be able to access different choices about how to respond. It’s having those different choices and responses that make me feel like I have more room everywhere in my body.